All posts by Mr.Hesse

I'm very happily married to the love of my life, Shauna. I'm a proud father to 3 girls, and proud step-father to 3 boys. I have an awesome, active family that is sometimes chaotic and crazy, but always fun...life is certainly never boring. I have a lot of interests...punk music (music in general, really), movies, podcasts, etc. I'm pretty passionate about the things I like, and just as passionate about the things I dislike. I love writing, and I'm excited to return to blogging for the first time in a couple years. Blogging has helped me work through things I've struggled with, and it's given me an outlet to discuss things that are my mind, whether they're opinions on tv shows or movies, or the latest ridiculous shenanigans my kids have gotten into. This particular blog will include all of that, and a lot more. As Shauna and I navigate our family through all the ups and downs of life, I suspect we will never have a shortage of things to write about. Our story is pretty amazing, and it keeps getting better every day. I have a pretty great life, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with you!

Laugh!

You might think that the life of a blogger is a non-stop series of sexy, celebrity-attended parties, a virtual whirlwind of drug and alcohol-fueled insanity that even famed raconteur Hunter S. Thompson might call excessive.  And you’d be right about that.  Nevertheless, sometimes we are called upon to do actual work, and be “responsible”.  And there has been a lot of that nonsense lately, which not only makes it hard to find the time and energy to write a blog post, but also tends to make life a little tedious…which, in turn, causes tempers to flare, motivation to dwindle, and attitudes and moods to turn to crap.  This time of year doesn’t help, either.  Winter shouldn’t even be a thing; the only thing that winter accomplishes is to make you appreciate summer a little more, which is a pretty substantial accomplishment considering summer also really, really sucks.  Really.  Sucks.  And don’t trust anyone who tries to tell you that it doesn’t.  (The views of Jarrod are not necessarily those of HesseLane or its subsidiaries).

But all is not lost.  Even though life, work, the very seasons of the planet upon which we live may all be trying to to rip out your soul, crumple it up and cram it into the nearest rubbish bin, you can still maintain your insanity by taking a more whimsical approach to the nightmarish hellscape we’re forced from birth to navigate and finding things to be amused by.  For example, I don’t really enjoy working; not just my job in particular, but ANY job.  In general, I can think of many, many thousands of things I’d rather be doing than working.  What I need is for someone to just send me large sums of money every so often, with no expectation that I’m ever going to provide any service to them in exchange for it.  Yeah, that’s what I need.

But until someone sees fit to do that, I have to work.  And since I do, it’s pretty helpful that I work with Shauna.  Not only do we work together, but he have practically the same schedules.  Sometimes that isn’t a good thing (more on that never).  Usually it IS a good thing, and here’s why:  we make each other laugh.  I’m one of those people who is constantly finding things amusing but rarely laughs out loud.  If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve typed “lol” and actually lol’d, I’d have, oh, about zero dollars and zero cents.  However, Shauna makes me laugh till I cry, and she does it pretty effortlessly.  From day one, she’s just kind of instinctively known what my sense of humor is and is able to tap into it…and I think the reason she has such an easy time with that is because it pretty seamlessly matches up with her own sense of humor.  Never does this particular connection between us come in more handy than when we’re at work, a place neither of us really want to be and which can sometimes put us both in a crappy mood.  Just the other night we were at work, and for some reason we began talking about cooking apple pies in the fryer.  Shauna escalated the absurdity of the conversation a little, and then I did, and then she did again, and soon were talking about dumping a whole box of apple pies in the fryer and then fishing them out with the baskets.  In that moment the zaniness of it all made me laugh uncontrollably, until tears were streaming down my face.  And it occured to me that I was getting paid to stand there and laugh myself silly.  Which I found myself very ok with.

Recently we were sitting in our bedroom when my youngest daughter Willow wandered in.  She was wearing leggings, and the tag on the back was annoying her; she wanted to know if I would cut the tag off.  A lot of times, you can just yank those tags off without the need for scissors or anything; they’re designed to just be ripped off.  maxresdefaultSo I grabbed the tag and attempted to dispose of it once and for all.  Unfortunately, it was attached a bit more securely than I had given it credit for, and, rather than ripping the tag off, I lifted Willow completely off the ground, giving her an ultrawedgie in the process.  The tag finally came off, but brought a giant chunk of the fabric from the butt of her leggings with it.  As I sat there in bed holding the tag with the lonely piece of fabric attached to it, and looking at the gaping hole in the butt of the leggings (big enough for Willows entire butt to fit through), I could have been annoyed that I had just ruined a perfectly good article of clothing.  But Shauna was laughing hysterically, as was Willow, and at that point, what could I do?  I laughed, gentle reader…I laughed.  And that’s all I’m saying.

Why This One?

Shauna and I started this blog about a month ago, and since that time we’ve talked a lot about the kinds of things we want to write about here.  It’ll essentially be a melting pot of ideas, likes, dislikes, family and job stuff, and just whatever else we feel like writing about.  A glimpse into our everyday lives, in other words.  And I love that idea; that is exactly the kind of blog I’d want to read from someone else.  One would think that, with that kind of broad outline, it’d be easy to come up with ideas for things to write about, because pretty much anything would be fair game.  But such is not the case.  Personally, I find myself plagued by really unhelpful thoughts, such as “you know, lots of people lead really crazy, eventful lives.  What makes you think your life is interesting enough to blog about?  Furthermore, what gives you the audacity to expect people to READ that blog, let alone tell other people to read it?  To expect people to stop their cars in traffic to read your latest post, and to send out mass texts to every friend, relative, co-worker, and minor acquaintance they have in their phone to tell THEM to read it?  Hmmm?”  Make no mistake:  I expect ALL of those things to happen, and since I’ve been trying to think of a topic to blog about anyway, I figure why not make this post about WHY I expect that.

Everyone has opinions, good and bad, and it’s in the nature of humans to want to share that opinion with other people.  Either to find someone who agrees with you and who validates the way you feel about something, or to find someone who disagrees and maybe makes you think of something in a different way that you never would have come to on your own.  However, the resources that people had to get their opinions heard used to be pretty limited and ineffective.  Short of scoring a job writing an opinion column in your local newspaper, or standing on a soapbox in the town square and shouting, there was no good way to make yourself heard to a large group of people.  Now, of course, it’s the easiest thing in the world to go on any social media site and say whatever is on your mind to a potential audience of millions.  Anyone can start a blog or vlog.  However, the ease with which you can do these things nowadays has made it clearer than ever before that not everyone has something worth saying.  Not everyone has an opinion that should be spoken aloud (and while we’re on the subject, there is such a thing as a wrong opinion.  We’re taught in school that that’s not the case, but OF COURSE it is.  “The Godfather is a bad movie” or “Donald Trump is a good president” would be examples of wrong opinions).  And so, to return to the point: why should you read this blog?  There are a million blogs you could be reading right now.  Why this one?

Shauna and I are real people.  We have small victories and defeats everyday.  We have to deal with chaos at our job, and then come home and deal with more (and often far worse) chaos.  Our kids are cool most of the time, but occasionally they are horrible, smelly beasts that consume or destroy everything in sight.  We have money, and then we pay bills and buy groceries and we have no money.  We communicate amazingly most of the time, but sometimes we don’t, and it sucks for a while and we deal with that.  We live in a house that has issues which we either get fixed or (much more likely) learn how to work around.  We make plans for our future, and then have to figure out how to make those plans a reality, and in the process of that sometimes our plans get changed, or disintegrate completely.  We struggle with health issues, appointments, anxiety over whether we’re spending enough time with our kids, what to have for dinner, where does all the fucking shredded cheese go because we just bought 3 bags like 2 days ago and it’s fucking GONE already?!?  IMG_1178We deal with all of these things, and a lot more, every day.  And if we’re dealing with them…then you’re dealing with them, too.  These are the things we all have to face every day.  Every.  Day.  This is Real Life.  And if you can read this blog and see that we have faced an issue that you’ve already faced, or are currently facing, and if we can convince you that you WILL get through that issue and come out on the other side laughing…well, there you go.  That’s “why this one”.

The twist ending to this post, which anyone could have seen coming, is that I wrote this to convince myself why it’s necessary to write it just as much as to convince you (and the tens of thousands of people you’re going to send our way) to read it.  A couple weeks ago, on a Saturday night, Shauna and I had to work till about 9 PM.  We got home and watched tv with the kids for a while.  Around 11 or so, Shauna investigated a weird smell and discovered that a room in our basement was filled about ankle deep with sewage.  Every time a sink, the dishwasher, the clothes washer, the shower, the toilets had drained for at least a few days, it had been going directly into this room.  Some phone calls were made, and someone came out to unplug the drain (never giving us a good explanation for why it had happened in the first place so that we could, you know, prevent it from happening again), and left us to deal with the disgusting mess that was left behind.  There wasn’t much that could really be done that night (by this time it was around 3 AM; we had to get up at 7 to work a 10 hour shift).  We eventually got it taken care of and all is well now.  I threw in this quick story to make the point that this type of thing might have been a devastating, apocalyptic event in another household.  In ours, not so much.  We took it in stride; the house smelled like shit (literally) for a few days, and then it didn’t, and we’ll probably barely remember it happened before long.  You get through it.  And you laugh.

 

 

 

Christmas 2017

I believe the line between childhood and adulthood is very clearly defined: the year that you find yourself no longer being excited about Christmas, you are officially an Adult.  Some people never stop being excited, and I kinda envy them.  For me, it was around the age of 19 or 20.  I’ve always been able to derive some enjoyment out of getting my kids presents that they’ve been wanting and then seeing their reactions as they open them on Christmas morning, but other than that, I find Christmas to be overly commercialized, and just generally a little too invasive.  The inescapable Christmas music alone is enough to make you want to rip your ears off.   If you’re a person who isn’t all that fond of Christmas, this entire time of year is pretty annoying.

But just because I’m a bit of a grinch doesn’t mean that I want to spoil my kids’ enjoyment of the holiday.  They’ll either get jaded like me on their own, or they won’t…it’s up to them.  I simply try to provide the best Christmas I can for them every year, and if I can do that, I feel like I’ve done my job.  This was the first Christmas together for Shauna and I, and I think we did a good job of pulling it off.  We each brought our own traditions to the table, and we were able to merge them pretty successfully.  We certainly had a bit of adversity along the way, but we powered through.  Christmas 2017 in the Hesse/Lane household was a pretty memorable one.

Early in our relationship, Shauna and I talked about our respective opinions on Christmas, and what our families usually do to celebrate the holiday.  I was pleased to find that Shauna had pretty much the same thoughts on Christmas as I do; if anything, she may even be a little more anti-Christmas than I am.  It might even have been the very thing that made me realize I must marry this woman.  Anyway, as time went on, we found ourselves having all the conversations that parents have to have: how much to spend on each kid, how to get each kid more or less what they want without breaking the bank, which day to do what with which persons family, etc  We finally settled on spending spending Christmas Eve with Shauna’s family, and Christmas day with mine.  As for presents for the kids, we had them do Amazon wishlists (not everyone got on board with this, but we improvised as best we could), and we ordered everything online in one fell swoop.

Which brings me to the aforementioned adversity.  During the process of ordering gifts online, our card was somehow hacked into and someone used our bank account to make a purchase for airline tickets.  I’ll spare you the horrific details, but a trip to the bank, many, many phone calls, and a vicious barrage of insufficient funds penalties later, we finally have the situation fixed (the bank is still conducting their investigation; I suppose they could still find that Shauna and I felt the need to book a flight to scenic Iraq this holiday season, but I feel confident that they won’t, since we obviously didn’t).  In any event, with this ridiculous situation finally resolved, we finalized our plans and commenced with Operation: Christmas.

Shauna and I had to work Christmas Eve, but we were able to leave early (we weren’t really “able to”, we just did).  Soon after getting home, Shauna’s mom, stepdad and sister arrived, and we all went to Panda Garden, our local Chinese buffet.  Shauna’s family has a tradition of having Chinese food at Christmas, a tradition I found it quite easy to get on board with, as I enjoy eating in general, and Chinese food in particular.  My 3 daughters, on the other hand, thought it a bit odd, but judging from the loud, fun atmosphere at our table, I think they had a great time.  We left at the perfect time, considering we were likely moments from getting forcibly ejected due to an impromptu ice cream fight that erupted right at the end of our meal.  We went home and and had our gift-shredding-open session; everyone seemed to be very happy with what they received, and Shauna and I looked at each other with a sense of relief and satisfaction that, despite everything, we had pulled it off.  We ended the night by playing games into the wee hours, finally going to bed around 2 or so.

The next day we gave the kids their stockings, and loaded into the ol’ Explorer to head to my brothers house in Iowa City.  The last few years the kids and I have had our Christmas festivities there; Jason and his husband Mark enjoy hosting everyone, and it’s usually about the only time of the year I get to see them.  Jason, much like myself, isn’t a fan of traditional holiday food (turkey, stuffing, etc.), so instead he cooks a variety of pastas, and does something of an Italian buffet.  Which, not unlike my kids and the Chinese food, Shauna and her boys found a little odd, but, also not unlike the Chinese food, they seemed to really enjoy.  In particular, Jason makes this cheese bread that’s capable of bringing about world peace, and perhaps even ending world hunger, considering how much of it he makes.  After eating, we all opened presents, and headed home.

So our first Christmas as a married couple and a blended family is in the books.  Just today, Shauna and I took down the tree, and packed it away until next year.  In some dusty, forgotten corner of my mind,  there still exists the love of this time of year that was much more front and center when I was a child, and while the stresses and cynicism of adulthood have taken their toll, I still get a little melancholy knowing that Christmas is over for another year.  Technically, Shauna and I still have a mini-Christmas to look forward to; we dedicated all of our available resources to giving the kids a good holiday, and decided to wait a couple months to get gifts for each other.  We’ll probably shoot for sometime in February, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty to write about when that happens.  For now, I’m completely content knowing that I have an amazing wife, and an awesome family, and I say that’s the best Christmas gift of all.